Weight Issues Part II: Distorted Body Image

Back to the thoughts on weight loss...

One of the other things I think is true with me is a distorted body image--like anorexics, but in reverse. I'm not saying I look in the mirror and go, "WOW! GODDESS!" (I can't even do that for my internal self, let alone external.) I'm not saying I even look in the mirror all that much--and when I do, it's more like a show-my-teeth grin to check and make sure there's no food stuck.

By distorted, I mean that I don't feel my extra weight, except in certain things.

If I'm standing or lying or sitting, I really only feel the lean aspects of my body: muscles (yes, I have them, they're just hidden under a protective layer), bones, internal organs. I don't know if adipose tissue has less nerve endings or if it's just me. It's like since I can't feel it there, it's sometimes a bit of a shock when I look (and pay attention) in the mirror because I don't feel like my reflection. It's a very strange disconnect.

And when I DO feel the extra weight, it's when I try and bend into certain positions, like a small tucked ball (stomach gets in the way, sometimes hard to breathe like that too), or my butt running into something when I had no idea it was sticking out that far, or when I sit and look down towards my lap and see rolls sticking out from below my chest. It's like my brain goes, HUH?! How can that be there and my body touching itself and I don't even feel it? And then, since I can't feel it, and I can't make it disappear instantly, I deny it, figuring I'll deal with it later.

It goes further. I know what number size I am--and don't want to share it because I have an image of that size in my head, and I don't feel like that's me. And when I do occasionally fold my laundry and hold up my pants, I'm appalled at the size of them. It's like looking at something that belongs to someone else--some stranger that is this enormous person and thank GOD I'm not big like them.

But they're my pants.

And they fit--and have been tight at times.

And it's like I take that conscious knowledge and suppress it, and for me it gets filed in the "diminishing self-esteem" category in my head.

So I make a joke about it, someone laughs, it balances out, and I can live in my little denial land.

At least, until the next time I do laundry.