Apparently There Is Progress

Let me start by saying that nothing went as planned today.

I forgot to schedule babysitting for my daughter during my massage appointment. Luckily, the woman whose husband I work on was willing to watch her (and even took her to get her nails done!!! Yes, three exclamation points for someone who paid to have a toddler's nails painted)

When my husband got home, we decided to go to family swim again. When we arrived, I discovered that despite laying out two separate swimsuits at home, I had packed none for my daughter. Fortunately, the lifeguards let her wear her shorts and T-shirt and we drove her home soggy. (She thought this was great fun though.)

I got home and my workout clothes were in the laundry still. Which meant no trip to the gym. As I was sitting around annoyed, I started working on the computer and ended up reading back through my blog from the beginning. I discovered a few things that are quite a bit different than when I started.

1) I (partly) know what is wrong with my back. I have actual structural damage. While I'm not pleased that something is wrong, it is a strange relief because I had been made to feel like I was just a weenie by several doctors over the years. I may still be a weenie, but not completely since there is something wrong.

2) I'm taking a lot more painkillers now (although rarely hitting the maximum daily dosage prescribed). This scares me in that I don't even want to take them in the first place. HOWEVER, it is making a HUGE difference in how much I can do in everything from working out to cleaning the house to spending time with my family without being miserable.

3) Despite not feeling like I was progressing much at the beginning--I wasn't, I think I am now in terms of my endurance. I'm sure some of this is because I take painkillers so that I can do things, but I can run a little bit, I can walk at a faster pace, and--I can't believe I'm even saying this--I don't hate the treadmill any more. Maybe it took discovering that I hated the elliptical more, but whatever it was, the treadmill isn't my enemy. It's still challenging, I still can't run much at all, but I can do some. And I'm getting better.

4) I still have a barrel of excuses and then some, but the web I used to weave seems to be unraveling. Now when I don't work out, I look at why or what came up during the day and set out things for the next day that will make a workout more likely to happen and excuses less likely to hold up. I set times and plan what I have to get done in order to leave so that I can be in and out of the gym by 1:00 (locker room deadline). I am more prompt in packing my workout bag (usually), so that when it is time to go, I just have to grab it and leave (as opposed to spending half an hour running around grabbing things).

5) I have made lifestyle changes in that I do go to the gym regularly. When I looked back at the first few entries in this blog, I was a little bit stunned at some of the things i was thinking less than two months ago that I now no longer consider--like what the guy at the front desk is thinking--and how now I'm more annoyed by rude people in the hot tub than I am self-conscious in the gym.

6) Although my weight really hasn't changed, it has shifted. Forgive the oversharing, but the bra I bought for proper support to work out in went from being on the loosest strap to the tightest one and it's now probably needing to be tossed for a smaller size. My favorite shorts now fall off if I don't cinch up the drawstring and initially they were a bit snug. I have a long long ways to go, but I can feel progress starting. Still nowhere near fitting into a cute dress I saw today, but it feels like something that COULD happen instead of something that would require a magic wand and an alternate universe.

7) My concerns about the triathlon--my initial goal for this whole thing--are different now than before. I think, barring any medical advice or procedures related to my back that could prevent it, that it won't be a "big" deal. My concerns are not longer about being able to finish or being able to move after I finish but rather that I really have no idea how these events work. Some of the reading I've done talks about how the "transitions" between events are sometimes considered a "fourth event" in a triathlon because they affect your final time so greatly.

Apparently there are entire lines of gear designed specifically for triathletes so that they can go from water to bike to run with minimal or no clothes changes between events--strapping on shoes in seconds with cinching laces rather than ties, wearing spandex and a sports bra under the wetsuit so that they just peel off the wetsuit, cinch on their shoes, and hop on a bike. Thing is, I don't care how fit I get, I'm not wearing spandex bike shorts and a sports bra as my outfit, and I have no idea what the space is like for the transitions, so I'm going to have to figure out some type of apparel that is both appropriate, modest, and quick to change.

In any case, my concerns are not whether I can physically do the event, but more about the logistics. A shift, to say the least.

8) There are days that I literally forget about the triathlon all together. My workouts when I started I thought more about the final event--it really was a good motivator to get me going for an end goal, and ultimately, it still is. Now, though, I don't just work out for the goal of the triathlon, but also just for me. It's keeping on a schedule that is challenging for me still, and the triathlon is a good kick in the pants reminder if I can't get going for a couple of days. One of the things that was (and is) important to me about this whole thing was finding something inside that would motivate me and make me do this FOR me. I can't name what that IT is, but again, this is another positive shift that I'm finding.

9) My house is actually cleaner. It's weird because when I started, one of my many thousands of excuses was that I didn't have enough time in the day to do everything--it was one of the reasons I didn't work out AND didn't clean. I actually still think that was true. I spent a good week cleaning to get ready for my daughter's party and have made efforts (mostly successful) to try and keep it that way. It's weird how much stress that alone lifted.

10) My husband no longer has to shove me out the door to work out. He still occasionally hints at it if I don't make it into the gym for a couple of days, but he really is being very supportive without pushing me in a way that makes me feel like I'm only going to make him shut up. (Again, working on the self-motivation has been the biggest deal for me.)

So a lot of progress, actually. I can't really go on a shopping spree for new clothes yet or show off any trophies. But there has been change--and that in itself is even a change from the beginning when there was nothing.

Although I think those posts were much more funny, so maybe this is killing my sense of humor.