Perspectives

Since I'm really still in the middle of this journey--even though I completed my initial goal (of finishing a triathlon)--I'm still spending a lot of time thinking about how I got from the fitness level(s) I've been at to where I was and where I am.

Ironically, I was watching the episode of Ellen (de Generes) where she interviewed her wife Portia de Rossi about Portia's new book, Unbearable Lightness. I don't want to inaccurately summarize the show since it has now been a couple of weeks since watching it, or do any injustice to her book (which I have not yet read), but what struck me was an audience question to Portia about how to broach the subject of an eating disorder with someone who may be suffering from one.

Portia's answer was along the lines of saying that what would have resonated with her was if someone had told her she looked "sick" or "unhealthy." That when people referred to her as "too thin" she could still look in the mirror and see her flaws.

My prior description of this blog was intended as a joke, poking fun at myself: Hippopotamus to Healthy. And while I needed to lose a LOT of weight then, and still do (although I'm definitely at least on my way now), here's the thing.

I didn't, and still don't, perceive myself as "unhealthy."

Yes, I am aware of the health problems associated with obesity and being overweight. Heart problems, diabetes, joint issues, and blood pressure, to name just a few.

To me, unhealthy is SICK. As in I have a cough or a cold or the flu. Or a terminal disease.

I don't even classify injuries as "unhealthy" or "sick" but just a localized issue, even if dealing with it causes problems elsewhere in the body.

So if I don't see myself as unhealthy, it's really hard to make a change. The number of times my dad and sister told me how proud they were of me that I'm making a change for my health even sounded bizarre to me. In my head, I wasn't (and am not) "sick," so "getting healthy" isn't something I could/can do.

So while Portia's advice to tell an anorexic person they look "sick" because of their misperceptions about their body, I started wondering what would work, in a similar fashion, for someone who is overweight.

And I really don't know. I, like so many overweight people, get upset, offended, and hurt by people trying to "help" telling me--kindly or unkindly--that I need to lose weight, I need to do it for my health, I'm putting myself at risk, blah blah blah. Because I know all of those things. I avoid looking in mirrors because it's depressing, and I avoid buying clothes because it's depressing.

Ironically, the push of certain groups to make the media more accepting of "realistic" body types (as opposed to living mannequins) even makes me feel like my weight is more "normal." And while obesity is becoming so much more common that it may technically be normal in that it is a majority of the population, this doesn't mean it should be the norm.

Even with all the health reasons I was aware of, even with avoiding mirrors, hating seeing myself in photos (still do), losing weight as a stand-along goal was not (and still is not) enough for me.

Having gained and lost before, I know how "good" it feels to fit into clothes that look good on me and not hate seeing myself in a picture. I was still critical of myself even then though.

So I'm still fighting warped perspectives. Portia de Rossi was one end of the spectrum. I'm on the other. Navigating a way to that middle ground is such a difficult road.

Since my perspectives are still warped (I've got somewhere around 70 pounds left to lose), I still NEED goal-oriented motivation that is a competitive event. A goal of fitting into this one cute dress that's been on a hanger for the last 6 years isn't enough--and if that's my only goal, I will likely stop right now in this process.

So I have to keep signing up for events, getting ready for them, and DOING them. It's the only way I will truly get to healthy, and hopefully by time I get there, my perspective will be healthier too.