Trying to Find Focus

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about Catalina. The entry fee, if I sign up right away, would be significantly reduced from last year. However, all the other costs would remain quite similar. I started adding things up, sat down and talked to my husband, and was told I could if I wanted to, but I'd have to figure out how to get it into the budget.

Realistically, Catalina is only 71 days away now. Between being sick for four months and then losing my motivation when I thought the event was cancelled, I'm a bit (and by "a bit" I mean "significantly") off track for meeting the goals I had set for this year.

I know I could complete the triathlon. I also know I could beat my time from last year--my new bike alone would help me do that, although I could improve on the run as well.

I'm really not sure I could take a full hour off my time though, which was my big goal. As for my weight, well, that's not on track to be at my goal either.

I started wondering if I was just making up excuses to not go. But there are two very major factors that all of this doesn't even encompass: 1) I won't be visiting my sister and her family as they are unlikely to be living in the area at that time and 2) by time I pay not just for the entry fee, but all the other fees around the trip (gas, hotels, food, ferry, parking), it really adds up.

I calculated it out--as reasonably as I could, and figure it will be at least $1200. I might be able to figure out how to get that into the budget--it's only $100 a month if I spread it out over a year--but there are a lot of other things we could do, either at $100 a month or at $1200 a year.

Shoot, if I did local events, that could even mean 12 triathlons a year. For the price of one visit to Catalina.

To add another complication, I had to give the judging assigner my availability. The weekend of Catalina is a weekend where there are two meets that are usually 2-day events. I'm not guaranteed to be assigned to one of them, but if I'm in California, there's no way I could do them, assigned or not.

In other words, after sleeping on it, I came to the decision this morning that financially, it would not be wise for me to go to Catalina. Furthermore, it would be somewhat selfish as I would be going on this trip totally alone. I'm unlikely to meet my goal of taking an hour off of my time because of where I am in my training, as negative as that sounds. I couldn't come up with a single good reason to go that would come anywhere close to countering the financial downside of going.

Until this afternoon.

When I started feeling like maybe I was just giving up.

I started thinking about how my motivation to make any kind of change, at all, was initially based around Catalina. The changes I have made have literally changed so many aspects of my life. I still deal with back pain, but it is more manageable now. I am much more active much more regularly (even if I'm not anywhere near any kind of training regimen). All of these are changes I made because I had the long-term goal of Catalina.

If I don't go, what is my goal? Next year? But will I say the same thing next year when it comes time to register? Would I ultimately put it off indefinitely, defeating the purpose?

If Catalina really is my "focal point," then it is completely worth the expense to go.

For anyone who thinks that long-term good health and longevity could be my focal points, let me tell you why that won't work for me: the last 6 years. I totally believe that those are good goals, but for me, they are not enough to get me off my butt in and of themselves. Even the hope of being able to go clothes shopping without drowning myself in an overdose of self-loathing isn't enough motivation for me to do anything big enough, long enough to make an impact.

Having impending physical tasks (the triathlon) actually does motivate me--or at least, significantly better than without.

Now my task is to find what that event will be.

The big question then is, will I remember to put it on my calendar?